Sane? No. I’ve lost my sanity the day you took it from me. I’ve lost my privacy, my security. I’ve lost my peace of mind. I don’t feel safe anymore. All I feel is fear. I feel uneasy. I feel scared, overwhelmed, vulnerable. I’ve been overcome by guilt, thinking I could have done something. Maybe I could have. Maybe it was my fault after all. It was my fault right? You’ve taken so much from me, yet you probably don’t even realize. I just want it all back, I just want it back…
I can’t even put into words how I feel. I’ve become so broken, unable to put myself back together. You’ve tainted me whole and left a big scar that I don’t think I can ever recover from. My life will never be the same and I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much this has affected me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know who are. I have so much hate, but for who? I don’t even know you. I don’t know your face. I don’t know your name. I just know what you did and that’s all it takes to break me.
I look in the mirror and I just hate myself even more.
The thought of self-harm has come up more than it should. But not for the reason people would normally assume. I used to have these thoughts when a tragedy would occur or something as simple as a rain cloud over me. But lately, that hasn’t been the reason. I’ve grown to learn that each rain cloud will pass sooner or later, that it is only temporary. I’ve learned that these bad things that happen in your life, you can overcome it. That’s not the problem at all. The problem is what’s in this mind of mine. I fear my own thoughts. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, there’s no way of escaping them. And it’s slowly killing me. I just want it to stop. I want to stop what I’m thinking, and thinking itself. I’m losing my sanity and every day just brings me closer to ending these thoughts permanently.
Am I being selfish here?
This mark you’ve left can never be erased.
I fucking hate myself and the way I think and the way I do and the way I feel.
I feel so depressed even when I’m happy. How is that even possible?
I don’t know what’s making my heart so heavy.
I will never understand how someone has the audacity to do these kinds of things to other people. Do you not have a heart? Do you not have ethics? Or morals? For god’s sake, how can you treat someone like that and be able to sleep at night? I’m sick and tired of it all. I’ve felt this too much and too often, and I’m fucking sick of it.