I will never understand how someone has the audacity to do these kinds of things to other people. Do you not have a heart? Do you not have ethics? Or morals? For god’s sake, how can you treat someone like that and be able to sleep at night? I’m sick and tired of it all. I’ve felt this too much and too often, and I’m fucking sick of it.
I’m nothing. I’m nothing special. I’m really nothing, but a waste of space.
Kodaline | Latch
The way you put knives into my chest
with a few spoken words
and there I am left speechless
gasping for air with my lungs punctured
like a fish out of water
I am in a place where
I’m not meant to be
but I’m tired of swimming
in a sea of sorrow and empty promises
let all that is true be thy air
for I rather die from the cold truth
instead of a warm lie.
Yo I just don’t know what to feel anymore.
It all comes down to mental toughness. Stop being a little bitch and just let it go. Just fucking let it go. You’re stronger than this. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be motherfucking stupid Trish. It shouldn’t matter to you. Remember what you always said: the less you care the less it hurts. Stop caring and start forgetting.
I was never strong to begin with. Holding my head high was always impossible for me. I don’t have the kind of strength people have when they stand up after falling. Instead, I wait for a rain cloud to hover over me while I drown in self pity. Everything hurts. And I know I am my own problem and my own solution, but I am so… weak. I’ve always been weak. I’ve worn a mask my whole life, fooling people into thinking happiness and confidence was my second nature. I even began to believe it as well. I thought that maybe, if I kept telling myself everything will be okay, it would surface to reality. How foolish of me? I’m weak. And stupid.
I am always too much or never enough. Now you know why they all walked away. And soon, you will too.
How To Tell If Somebody Loves You:
Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!
Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.
Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.
Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! i like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.
Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.
Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them.
Somebody will always love you. If you don’t think this is true, then you’re not paying close enough attention.Ryan O’Connell
I’m afraid to love again for the fear of falling.